Week 10 of Fractal Tech's AI Accelerator & Engineering Bootcamp
Disillusionment
I was a bit sick this week, both physically and mentally.
With the introduction of the final capstone project, I decided that I wouldn't do the externship with Kai. Part of me was really disappointed by this, but there was also a part of me that was somewhat relieved, like when you're an introvert and someone cancels plans and you can't help but feel relieved.
However, with both externships falling through or being postponed, I was suddenly slated to finish the bootcamp having only done the one externship. This isn't inherently wrong, of course, but it did bring with it the feeling that I was not making the best of the whole second half of the bootcamp, that I had stopped learning, stopped growing, and that the time was truly just flying by while I was stuck in waiting mode.
I had suddenly gone from "first in their cohort to get an externship, slated to do three externships, probably more than anyone else, with one of them likely leading to a contract/full-time position!" to "only one externship during the bootcamp, I probably just got lucky with that one, peaked too soon and washed up, wasted the second half waiting around and not growing or accomplishing anything meaningful while most other people are off getting jobs or doing externships". Obviously this is just the intrusive thoughts having their way with me, but I couldn't help but deeply feel this disappointment and a sense of disillusionment about all of the progress that I made in the first 6 weeks.
Detachment
That's the thing about detachment, about depression, about retreating from the world, numbing yourself from the pain of the world: you stop moving. It's an attempt to protect yourself from pain, but it's maladaptive, and it ultimately paralyzes you. And in a world that never stops moving even when you decide to, you will quickly be left behind and the time will start to fly.
When you're growing, thriving, in your element, like I was during the first 6 weeks, you feel completely awake. Everything is more vibrant, everything is more interesting, even "boring" things like going to the gym, eating healthy, and having a healthy sleep routine. They say time flies when you're having fun, but it doesn't feel that way, at least compared to detachment. When I feel alive like this, each day feels meaningful, I can reflect back on my day and be proud of what I did. Time progresses somewhat linearly, and I can think back on previous weeks and distinctly remember what I did, how I felt, what happened that week, etc.
But when you detach from reality, when you retreat, when you numb yourself with vices or instant graitification or comfort, your experience of time is no longer linear. You might be thriving one day and then slowly start detaching, and then 4 weeks have gone by in the blink of an eye, and it feels as though you've done nothing, like it just literally flew past you, like you've been asleep.
Turnaround
It didn't help that there was also some kind of bug/virus going around (physical, not digital) this week, and I felt progressively worse from Monday through Thursday. I wouldn't be surprised if some of this was psychosomatic, i.e. physical symptoms caused by or worsened by mental factors, stress, anxiety, etc.
By Thursday, I still felt pretty directionless and had no idea what I was going to do for my final capstone project.
On Friday, everything changed...
But I'll leave that for next week's reflection!